According to Gwyneth’s bombshell revelation at the Cannes Lions Festival (because nothing says credible investigation like a marketing conference), Meghan Markle’s pregnancy and the very existence of little Archie are apparently one big lie. Oh, the drama! The scandal! The utter ridiculousness of it all.

So, what’s Gwyneth’s earth-shattering evidence? Apparently, some photos of Meghan with a child during her pregnancy look similar to photos of Gwyneth’s son Gavin. That’s it. That’s the smoking gun. Because, you know, all toddlers don’t look alike at all, and it’s completely implausible that two pregnant women might have similar timelines. Nope, definitely a conspiracy. Call the X-Files; we’ve got a winner.

But wait, there’s more. Gwyneth, in her infinite wisdom, points out the glaring lack of verified photographic evidence of Meghan with newborn Archie. Because, as we all know, every moment of a newborn’s life must be documented and shared with the world. Privacy? Never heard of her. And let’s not forget, the royal family is known for their oversharing on social media. Oh, wait…

Now let’s address the elephant in the room—or shall I say the non-existent baby in the room. If Archie doesn’t exist, who exactly did Harry and Meghan bring on their trips? Who’s that kid in their Christmas card? Is it all CGI? Are we living in some sort of royal version of “The Truman Show”? Or maybe, just maybe, and I know this is a wild thought, but maybe they’re just private people who don’t want to plaster their kid’s face all over the media. Shocking, I know.

But here’s the kicker, folks: while we’re all busy obsessing over whether Archie is real or a hologram or whatever the conspiracy theory du jour is, the world is facing actual problems. Climate change? Nah, let’s talk about Meghan’s pregnancy photos. Economic crisis? Who cares? Did you hear that Gwyneth Paltrow is playing detective? It’s like we’re living in a parallel universe where royal family drama is more important than, oh, I don’t know, everything else.

And can we talk about the absurdity of this whole situation? We’ve got Gwyneth Paltrow—a woman who once suggested women should steam clean their vaginas—now playing Sherlock Holmes. What’s next? Is Kim Kardashian going to solve Brexit? Is Justin Bieber going to crack the code on sustainable energy? Is Taylor Swift going to broker peace in the Middle East? Actually, don’t answer that last one. At this point, nothing would surprise me.

But you know what really grinds my gears? The fact that we’re even entertaining this nonsense. We’ve got people demanding a formal investigation into whether a baby exists. A baby! Are we going to demand DNA tests for every royal birth now? Should we set up 24/7 live streams in the delivery room? Maybe we should just put all the royals in a giant glass box so we can watch their every move. That wouldn’t be creepy at all, right?

And let’s not forget the real victims in all of this: us, the public. We’re the ones being force-fed this royal soap opera day in and day out. It’s like being stuck in a never-ending episode of “Keeping Up with the Windsors.” Can we please change the channel already?

Maybe this is all just a giant distraction. Maybe while we’re all obsessing over whether Archie is real or not, the royals are secretly plotting world domination. Think about it: what better way to keep us off the scent than by feeding us this nonsense? It’s brilliant, really. Diabolical, but brilliant. Or maybe, just maybe, they’re all sitting around laughing at us. Imagine the scene: Harry, Meghan, Archie (yes, the real Archie), all gathered around a big screen watching us lose our minds over this drivel. “Oh look, they think you don’t exist, Archie! Ha! They fell for the borrowed baby theory again!” 

And let’s talk about Gwyneth for a second. I mean, kudos to her for branching out from selling overpriced wellness products to amateur sleuthing, but maybe, just maybe, she should stick to her day job. Or better yet, take a vacation. Clearly, she’s got too much time on her hands if she’s spending it analyzing royal baby photos. Maybe she could use some of that Goop energy to solve actual problems. I hear there’s a shortage of jade eggs that needs addressing.

But here’s the thing that really gets me: this whole debacle is a perfect example of how we as a society have completely lost the plot. We’re so obsessed with celebrity drama and royal gossip that we’re willing to believe literally anything, no matter how ridiculous. A borrowed baby? Sure, why not. A fake pregnancy? Totally plausible. An elaborate conspiracy involving the entire royal family, multiple health professionals, and apparently the entire population of the UK? Sounds legit.

And the saddest part? This nonsense is taking attention away from real issues. While we’re all busy debating whether Archie exists, there are actual children in the world who need help. There are real problems that need solving. But no, let’s focus on whether Meghan Markle’s belly bump looked realistic enough.

So here’s my advice: next time you see a headline about royal drama, especially one involving Gwyneth Paltrow playing detective, take a deep breath, step away from your device, and go do literally anything else. Pet a dog, read a book, learn to juggle—anything is more productive than trying to decipher the hidden meanings behind Harry and Meghan’s latest scandal.

And to Gwyneth, if you’re out there listening (which I highly doubt), here’s a tip: stick to selling your overpriced candles and leave the detective work to the professionals. Or better yet, use your platform for something actually meaningful. I think there’s a climate crisis that could use some attention.

To Harry and Meghan, if you’re somehow tuning into this madness, I’ve got one thing to say: I’m sorry. I’m sorry that your life and your child’s life is fodder for this kind of ridiculous speculation. No one deserves to have their child’s existence questioned, celebrity or not.

And to Archie, whether you’re real or a highly sophisticated hologram (I’m kidding, folks), I hope you’re having a great day, blissfully unaware of the circus going on around you. Keep on being you, kid. Or keep on not existing. Whatever floats your boat.

In conclusion, folks, let’s all take a step back and realize how utterly bonkers this whole situation is. We’re living in a world where a wellness guru is accusing a duchess of faking a pregnancy, and people are actually taking it seriously. If that doesn’t make you want to laugh or cry, I don’t know what will.

Remember, in the grand scheme of things, whether Archie is real or not (spoiler alert: he’s real) doesn’t actually matter. What matters is how we treat each other, how we approach the real problems in our world, and whether we can look at ourselves in the mirror and say we’re doing our best to make the world a better place.

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